B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

Best of January 2011, week two

(1) If you can think of the longest word without A E I O or U…you got rhythm…

(2) Great Anthony Quinn line from 1981 movie Lion of the Desert…
He says: We do not kill prisoners…an Arab says: They do 
it to us!…
AQ angrily replies: They are not our teachers!...

(3) Bob Hope: I grew up with 6 brothers…
I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.

(4) Cute story: After a dozen motorists are found not to be
intoxicated, the cop wonders if the breathalyzer is broken…
so he blows into it & checks the meter…”Nope, still working…”

(5) Comic Joe E. Lewis once went on a diet…in 2 weeks he lost 14 days…

(6) Lady at work wore a skimpy new dress…she could barely contain herself…

(7) A dog is a great comfort when you’re depressed…they don’t try to find out why.

(8) St. Augustine said: The playthings of our elders are called businesses…

(8) So it’s been over a year since toilet-paper got smaller…
let me ask you this: has your butt kept pace, if you get my drift?…

(9) Lonesome George Gobel: My uncle was the town drunk…we lived in Chicago…

(10) Cool Daddy’s motto: If at first you don’t succeed, maybe failure is your style.

(11) …altho wouldn’t things work out better
if 
you had your 2nd chance before your first?…

(12) James Thurber: Every generation laughs 
at the old fashions, and follows the new…

(13) B. Franklin: Life’s tragedy is we get old too soon and wise too late…
so I say, take the fullest advantage of the fact that you lately wised up…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

I say again…LAUGH, DARN YA!

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

Best of January, 2011 week one

(1)  I’m getting older…and people have started saying
to me: Don’t worry…you were always like that!…

(2)  They won’t let my brother-in-law Ray play
Scrabble…he claims there is too an “i” in “teaim”…

(3)  Nothing really changes, does it?…the first proposal for
eliminating the Electoral College came way back in 1797…

(4)  So you call a meeting for 9:30am…you show up at 11am…
and you’re the first one there…just another day at the office…

(5)  Cool Daddy’s wife finally learned how to drive…how long did it take?…3 cars…

(6)  …she said to him: See, you spent 45 minutes on the phone,
just like me…he said: Hon, the difference is I talked to 22 people…

(7)  Henny Youngman made a killing on the stock market…he shot his broker…

(8)  Margaret Thatcher: Socialism works until you run out of other people’s money.

(8)  Old saying: Creditors have better memories than debtors…except
when they forget who they should have never lent to in the first place…

(9)  Grew up in a tough neighborhood…funeral home had a shoplifting problem…

(10)  The best way to handle a bore is to mercilessly agree with him…

(11)  The Most Interesting Man in the World…when people
have an out-of-body experience…they go visit him!…

(12) Someone once said the best thing about thinking logically is
that when you make a mistake, you do it with complete confidence…

(13) Upon receiving an award, Jack Benny remarked: You know, I
don’t deserve this…but then I have arthritis, and I don’t deserve that either.

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

To be classified as a “classic,” all a car needs is to be 25 years old…so 2012 welcomes the class of 1987, lead by the “Caddy Corvette,” the Allanté. Everything made in the USA except the body…that was by Pininfarina of Italy. 21,000 made over 7 years, including a little more than 3300 that first model year. I never liked the “dip” along the top of the door-line (below, top)…so I would have straightened it out (below, bottom).

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) Last Sunday, postage went up by 1¢…but since everybody 
uses Forever stamps, nobody noticed…or cared…so what is 
it now?…dunno…which is the whole point…

(2) …altho I will tell you postcards have gone up from
29¢ to 32¢…postcards??…yeah, long live postcards…

(3) …and of course, the Postal Service’s theory that if nobody
is buying your product, you should raise your prices…is priceless…

(4)  The best way to save face…is to keep the lower half shut…

(5)  Eva Gabor said: Love is the one game 2 can play…and both win…

(6)  Cats always think outside the box…right after they get done pooping in it…

(7)  Cool Daddy said: Lou Gehrig died of
Lou Gehrig’s disease…what are the odds?

(8)  …I told him speaking of coincidences, Hitler died
on a Jewish Holiday…he’s still thinking about that one…

(8)  >>>>  Auto-Correct can go strait to he’ll…  <<<<

(9)  Indira Gandhi said: Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave…

(10)  The secret to a successful marriage…be each other’s sidekick…

(11) Yesterday I mentioned “blowing off steam”…people don’t know
how to anymore, hence stress…and by and large, you can’t blow
off steam sitting in front of a computer…I wish you could, but no…

(12) Marilyn Monroe: I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time…

(13)  A “certificate of authenticity” is utterly worthless…
if you suspected the product was a fake…why would you
trust a piece of paper…from the same company?…duh…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

You know, its a curious thing…for decades now, the High Fashionistas have been trying to get men to wear skirts…it’s been a very tough sell, to say the least…but who would have guessed they would have finally succeeded…ON THE BASKETBALL COURT?…sheesh and double sheesh…

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1)  Childhood is like being drunk…everybody remembers what you did except you…

(2) You Might Be a Baby Boomer If…you knew what a woman named
Tassels O’Toole did for a living, without even having to think about it…

(3)  Common sense is so rare today…it’s sort of like a superpower…

(4)  …but if you can do math in your head without a calculator,
and younger folks are flat out in awe…well, so be it…sez me…

(5)  Charles Dickens: A day wasted on others is not wasted on oneself..

(6)  …he also said: Ideas are like ghosts…you must
talk to them a little before they will reveal themselves…

(7)  We don’t want kids to cuss, but they need something
to let off steam…like for example: Ah, go step on a Lego…

(8) …we had ton of them when I was a kid…
>>> What do you want, a medal or a chest to pin it on?
>>> You weren’t born, you were hatched.
>>> There’s a bus leaving in half an hour, I want you to be under it.
>>> The hospital called, your brain will be ready Tuesday.
>>> You’ll be OK, we just don’t know when.
>>> Did your parents have any children that lived? …and like that…

(9)  Sometimes, for reasons we don’t yet understand,
the mind just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk…

(10)  Dreams can come true…it could happen to you…like you’re doing something
and you wonder if someday it’ll be illegal…well, just be glad you won’t live forever…

(11) The “Name Game”…and all spellings are correct…She grew
up in Mayberry as Irene Phlogg…went to Hollywood as
Teena Andrews…and was played by actress Diahn Williams…

(12) Cool Daddy’s philosophy: Nobody’s perfect, and I’m Nobody…

(13) Very often, speaking your mind hurts a lot less than biting your tongue…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Fun with Food…or as Jack Benny once said: hors d’oeuvres are just a ham sandwich cut up into 40 pieces…and You Might Be a Baby Boomer If…you always called them “horse doovers”…even after you knew better…hey, it’s a free country, nez pah?…

(1) The lady on the radio commercial said: Are you
looking for love?…and I thought: Parts of me are, yeah…

(2) Do clothes make the man?…in Sunday’s AFC championship game,
the Patriots wore football uniforms…the Ravens, pajamas…so you tell me…

(3) New owner of the Houston Astros says when they move to
the American League in 2013, they might have a new nickname…
makes sense…they haven’t played in the Astrodome since 1999…

(4) …altho when they switched from Colt .45s to Astros in 1965,
many fans really hated it…so maybe something with guns again?…

(5) …not for nothing, but the minor league Houston team, from
1903-1961, was always called the Buffaloes or Buffs for short…

(6) Speaking of sports, worst ice hockey loss I can find is in a 1998
Asia-Oceania amateur tournament…South Korea beat Thailand 92-0.

(7) …honorable mention to the Bulgarian women, who in the 2008 Olympic
qualifying tournament, lost to Slovakia 82-0…in their 3 games, they
were outscored 153-1…that one goal was called “The Miracle on Ice II”…

(8) Moshe Dayan: I have only one eye…should I watch the road or the speedometer?

(9)  Mark Twain: Courage is not absence of fear, but mastery of it…

(10) Joan Davis was a top comedic actress in the 1930s and 40s,
ending up on the TV sitcom I Married Joan from 1952-55…she was
born Madonna Josephine Davis…so yeah, there was another one…

(11) SoftSoap liquid soap makes a flavor/fragrance called
“Crisp Cucumber and Mellon”…um, crisp soap?…for real?…

(12) Cool Daddy’s first trip to New York City…but he didn’t visit the
Statue of Liberty…he says he gets winded climbing a flight of stairs…

(13)  I wanted to grow old with you, but it’s not working out…you keep me young…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

As far as I can determine, there is a major disconnect between Indian activists and plain old Indians…the latter have no problem with Indian sports nicknames and logos, no more than the Irish have with the Boston Celtics…or for that matter, any American would have with the nickname “Americans.” In fact, it’s a peculiar thing that banning Indian-related nicknames on the grounds that they’re disrespectful would yield the same result as if they were banned because some prejudiced group didn’t think Indians were worthy of such an honor…or even of being mentioned in polite company…I’m just sayin’…

Anyhow, the Cleveland baseball team was named in honor of player and manager Nap Lajoie, altho when he was with them, they were called the Naps…their previous name had been the Bluebirds. Above shows the original logo and the revised one, still used today…altho in 1967, the Summer of Love, things got a little crazy…thank you George Harrison and Ravi Shankar…

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) Amazing how many problems can be solved by turning the computer
off then on again…suggesting what causes these problems is it’s being on…

(2) What men should know about women…if they could choose between
you…and eating anything & not getting fat…well, that’s it…sorry, man…

(3) George Carlin opined: Do we really have rights?…
If someone can take it away, it isn’t really a right…

(4) Peanut butter has always been an enormously tough sell
at breakfast…about the only one with any success was…CC…
but what the heck, good luck to Cheerios, anyway…

(5) …altho there are 2 problems with the above ad…”delicious”
is meaningless…aren’t all food products “delicious”?…and while
I haven’t seen the ingredients…”real peanut butter taste” doesn’t
necessarily imply the involvement of real peanuts, sorry to say…

(6) One mother’s lament: Ever since they saw “The
Wizard of Oz,” the kids keep throwing water on me…

(7) John Lennon: Another name for “rock & roll” is “Chuck Berry”…

(8) You Might Be a Baby Boomer If…you remember a convenient way
to commit suicide would be to “ditch” school…your parents would kill
you and then, as Bill Cosby says, make another one, look just like ya…

(9) Albert Einstein: Religion and science are branches on the same tree…

(10) Geez, how many times have I said this?…8,217, give or take?…

(11) Amazingly, Roy Rogers and Gene Autry were in 3 movies together
from 1936-1938…altho Roy was known as Dick Weston at the time…

(12)  Please let me know if I say anything that
offends you…in case I need to offend you again…

(13) Not that you don’t have enough to worry about, but this statement
in the paper is completely true: Microbes have a tremendous advantage
over humans…they’ve been around a lot longer and evolve a lot faster…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

But speaking of what’s practical…look at the back wheel…then look at the front wheels…if there was ever a time you didn’t need to be a rocket scientist, this would be it. Below solves the problem, altho it ain’t nearly as spiffy…but that’s life, dear friends…

…because its fundamental premise, day in and day out, is completely false: correlation equals causation. True, a correlation can be the cause of something, but not automatically, as this column assumes. Towards the end, where it says “Or, at least…” he begins to come to his senses.

But to review, JD thinks that “No team can win the Super Bowl if they rank below 25th in either yard gains or yards allowed…i.e. total offense and total defense.” Yes, this is indeed a correlation. But that’s all it is…there are many factors that lead to a Super Bowl win, and a raw stat…in and of itself…simply isn’t one of them. That point will be driven home if any team besides the Ravens win this year. Then, the “25th” will have to be adjusted…but why bother?…it’ll still be as meaningless…

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1) Re choice of reading material, author and critic Edmund “Bunny” Wilson
said: “Certain people have a lifelong appetite for juvenile trash”…Bunny???…

(2)   »  »  »  »   When nothing goes right…go left…  «  «  «  «

(3)  What I like about living in a small town is, even if you
don’t know what you’re doing, everybody else does…

(4)  The definition of good writing: Passion, thought, and
intensity of feeling, while using words one already knows…

(5)  Oddly enough, there are 2 Hernando DeSoto’s…one is the famous
explorer…the other a present day economist from Peru…who knew?…

(6)  Uncle Cosmo died Friday…he didn’t live long enough
to see the word “blingtastic” used not once but twice in
an article in the Wall Street Journal…how I envy him…

(7)  W.C. Fields: Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people.

(8)  Here’s a song by the Stones you never hear on
the radio any more…yup, the world really must be crazy…

(9)  I had a dream that everyone used strips of bacon
instead of dollar bills…or was it just a dream????…

(10)  Marital status: Independently owned and operated…

(11)  …but basically, I am an utterly boring individual…
to me, showering naked is living on the wild side….

(12) Your chances of dying while going to buy a lottery ticket
are greater than your chances of winning…I’m just sayin’…

(13) In line at the grocery store, the lady ahead of you has
3 small children and a large order…she comes up $1.20 short
and is flustered and near tears…what do you do?…you pay the
$1.20 and with your broadest smile tell her that all you want in
return is that she does the same, if she can, for someone else…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

A couple more from the Laff, Darn Ya!!! Department…so do it, already…

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1) Dueling Proverbs….God helps him who helps himself…contrasted
 with…
Thou shalt not steal…not really the same, I know, but it’s still funny…

(2) If Barbie is so popular…why do you have to buy friends for her?…

(3) The season before The Andy Griffith Show debuted, Dub Taylor played
a handyman on 3 episodes of Dennis the Menace…named Opie Swanson…

(4) …and Howard “Floyd” McNear once played a barber
on Leave It To Beaver…named, oddly enough, Andy…

(5)  Today we say “that’s so cool” and everybody knows what we mean…
in 50 years, maybe they’ll say “that’s so warm” and it’ll mean the same…

(6)  Hard work pays off tomorrow…laziness pays off today…

(7)  Word for the day…lanugo…fetal hair that is usually shed before birth…

(8)  Steven Wright: My theory of evolution is that Charles Darwin was adopted…

(9)  Guy at the garage told Cool Daddy…”I couldn’t
fix your breaks…so I made your horn louder”…

(10) Strange but true…the role of “Dirty Harry” was written for Frank
Sinatra, but he injured his hand and couldn’t work…then John Wayne
turned it down…he later made up for it with his own cop movie McQ…

(11) Time For Some Oldies Butt Goodies…
What a 
watch-dog I have…I said: Attack!!…and he had one…

(12)  …I figured having a dog would protect me in
the
 big city…then I ran into a mugger with a rhinoceros…

(13)  …so anyway, now I have a sign at my place…
PREMISES PROTECTED BY EXTREME POVERTY…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Ditzy DC Part II…around the same time period as yesterday’s…they came up with a character to cash in on the Beatles bit…lasted longer, 1966-72…altho with plots like this, you wonder how. Mad Professor Luv transferred the minds of the kids into these vegetable bodies…sure, why not?…it’s certainly something most of us have always wanted to do, right?

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1)  A. Lincoln: The best part of one’s life consists of one’s friendships…

(2)  Simpsons trivia for 100, Alex…their hockey team is the Ice-o-topes…

(3)  Oliver Wendell Holmes: A flower is Nature’s way of saying Amen…

(4) Pez candies are from the German word for peppermint…pfefferminz…

(5)  Do the math…1/7th of your life is spent on Mondays…

(6)  Our next item up for auction…a rare photograph of
of Harry Houdini just after he locked his keys in his car…

(7)  It’s hard to have a girl-friend who’s a psychic…
typically, they’ll leave you before you’ve met…

(8)  The early bird gets the worm…but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese…

(9)  Oldie but Goodie from the playground that still
works today…You’ll be OK…we just don’t know when…

(10)  >> Aristotle said: A friend to all is a friend to none… <<

(11) William “The Refrigerator” Perry: I was big ever since I was little…

(12)  »  »  » Poet John Donne: Letters mingle souls…  «  «  «

(13) On The Addams Family, Fester’s last name is Frump…he is Morticia’s
uncle, brother of her mother Hester “Granny” Frump, played by Margaret
Hamilton…altho in the movie, he is wrongly cast as Gomez’ brother…duh!…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Straining for a new angle on the superhero craze, DC turned to parody with Awkwardman, White Feather, The Blimp, Dumb Bunny, and Merryman (yes, patterned after Woody Allen.) 3 issues in the anthology “Showcase” title, then 10 of their own title…1966-68 and out. I wonder if anyone remembered that MAD started out as a parody comic book, before switching to a magazine format…I mean, besides me…

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) You’re “best in class”…and “in a class by yourself”…sweeeeet…

(2) Mae West: Love conquers all…except poverty and toothache…

(3) Ezra Taft Benson: Peace cannot be imposed..
it must come from the lives and hearts of men…

(4) When the Media reveals “scandalous” personal behavior by politicians,
I say: Great!…he’s a human being after all…I was beginning to wonder…

(5) Daniel Webster: He who promises to 
be a good master, still wants to be master…

(6)  Well, I sort of figured this would happen eventually…
Kazakhstan could only be funny for so long…ditto Tadzhikistan…

(7) How many “licenses” would still be necessary
if the government couldn’t charge money for them…?

(8) OK, it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience…honestly...ONCE!!

(9) Cool Daddy’s kid is at that age…one minute you
want to slug him…the next minute you want to kick him…

(10) What do Beverly, Bimbo, & Bambi have in common?…
they were once male names…from a surname…the Italian
nickname for Bambino or “baby”…and of course the deer…

(11) …Agostino “Bimbo” Giuntoli’s club wasn’t open 365 days…
365 was its original street address…it’s now at a different location…

(12)   >>>>>>>  Stupid by Choice, not by Chance!  <<<<<<<

(13) One of my favorite old Borscht Belt lines…
I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand…so my wife lit it!

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

If there’s anything I hate more than the styling of today’s passenger cars, its the bloodless letter-names…so here’s an article from the Wall Street Journal about the new Cadillac ATS joining the CTS, DTS, STS, and SRX. For a brief moment, a fleeting glimmer of hope…”Cadillac Contender”…but that’s not a model name, just a description of the attempt to challenge the foreign luxury makes. Not a bad name tho, if you don’t think too much about what the word “contender” actually implies…;)  ;)  ;)