Stolf’s Blog 2/7/2011

It is certainly possible to advertise a product without lying about it. Perhaps so many do because they think everyone else does, and they have to keep pace. The prime weapon of mass distortion is the *.  As Bishop Fulton J. Sheen said, “The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.” Take the word “everything.” That’s about as concrete a word as there is, right? Well, not when you see “Everything* On Sale!” and the * then outlines all the EXCEPTS…end result: “everything” could mean most, some, or try to find ’em!

And it’s difficult enough when the lies are clear and straightforward. But as society in general, and merchants in particular become more and more illiterate, the task of figuring out what it is exactly they’re lying about becomes a real challenge. Case in point: A Central NY auto dealership quotes a monthly payment* for a leased vehicle. The * then directs you to this: “Lessee responsible for all maintenance, wear & tear for well qualified buyers with approved credit thru FMCC.” Now why would the lessee be responsible for maintenance only if they were well qualified and had gotten approved credit? It seems to me either all lessees should be so responsible, or at the very least, the un-well qualified buyers who hadn’t gotten approved credit should be. Instead, it’s the other way around.

Now you might say that the reason un-well (or sick) qualified buyers without approved credit aren’t responsible for maintenance is that they don’t get to be lessees in the first place. But if that were true, why not just say “Lessee responsible for all maintenance”? No, they make responsibility for maintenance conditional on being well-qualified and getting approved credit…otherwise, you’re not responsible…that’s what the plain English says. Seems like a bass-ackwards way of doing business to me, but that’s what happens when you can’t write a simple declarative sentence.

That mess is followed by: “Returning lessees Acme Sales will make your final 2 payments.” OK, terrible English… sounds like the party who “will make your final 2 payments” is Acme Sales, not Returning lessees. Still, who knows for sure? Steer clear, sez me.

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) So how exactly does a Ouija board know what language you speak?

(2) Mom said: Eat your turnips…kids are starving in India.
I said: Well, send it there!…Dad said: We did, they sent it back!

(3) Warren Buffett: When the tide goes out, you find out who’s swimming naked.

(4) What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbor’s dog…
What’s great for a snack, and fits on your back, it’s Log, Log, Log…
It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood…it’s better than bad, its good!
~~~~~  Log™ from Blammo.   ~~~~~

(5)  » » » The best way to entertain some people is to listen to them. « « «

(6) Rabelais said: I never drink without a thirst…if not a present thirst, a future one.

(7) Cool Daddy’s wife is very kind-hearted…she glues the wings back onto flies.

(8) …while Cool Daddy’s bumper sticker reads: THIS IS MY OTHER CAR…

(9) Ronald Reagan said: Always throw your golf club in the direction you’re going.

(10) Dancing is said to be a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

(11)  >>>   It’s funny…I remember Sylvia Plath, but I don’t remember why…   <<<

(12) Kin Hubbard said: It’s no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be.

(13) …he also said: The richer a relative is, the less he bothers you.

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Even tho it was the 80s, well past my kiddie generation, I wouldn’t mind owning a Stinkor action figure…if only because the whole concept was so ludicrous. Sort of like Pepe LePew on steroids…

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