Stolf’s Blog 8/22/2011

I feel sorry for magazine editors, I really do…the lengths they must go to try to sell their rags…and the idiotic hype they splash on their covers. But then, they’re trying to convince people who can remember paying 35¢…to pay $6… a hard sell, I don’t care who you are. Like the football magazine with the banner across the top: POST LOCKOUT ISSUE! Well, golly, after a certain period of time, it’s kind of hard to image how it could not be, nez pah?

Or TV Guide with EXCLUSIVE: WHAT’S ON THIS FALL. Wrong-o…not “exclusive” at all, unless you have info on shows that no other publication has, which you can’t and don’t. So how do they justify the word “exclusive”? Well, see, our articles aren’t in any other magazines, only in ours. Who knew? But that’s an old BS trick…take a feature that you and your competitors all have…indeed, one that is essential to the product itself…and act as if you’re the only one. That was the perverted genius behind the old ciggie slogan “It’s Toasted!” All smokes were toasted, but only Lucky Strikes thought to mention it.

Even the once august Scientific American has descended to this level. Now at some point in the past several decades…I dunno when cuz I long since gave up on them…they went from their iconic “white” cover to one that looks like everybody else’s…smooth move, Ex Lax. But I noticed “SPECIAL ISSUE,” and couldn’t for the life of me, examining the rest of the cover, tell what the heck was so special about it. Actually, that can work as a backhanded self-compliment, suggesting this issue is much better than the regular mush we feed you. The rule is: When everything is special, nothing is. Or its amusing corollary: The thing that is guarded by everyone is sure to disappear. Rock on, dear friends…

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) Take his wife, please…Henny Youngman and Sadie were actually married over
60 years…and I’m still in love with the same women…if my wife ever finds out…

(2) …she said: It isn’t a fit night out for man nor beast…I said: OK, we’ll both stay home.

(3) Burger King is ditching that creepy King…altho I did like the one where
he plays football…and he’s not as creepy as his movie actor brother, IMHO…

(4) Classic old gag, woman says to husband: Oh, there you are…
for a minute I thought your brief case had come home without you…

(5) Another of my favorites: Little and often fills the purse…

(6) Is it true? The top of the heap is also the end of the line?

(7)  »  »   Even a fat cat will arrange itself in a slim pose…  «  «

(8) Novelist Grace Metalious: Funny, you don’t look like a friend…but they never do.

(9) …compare with: Money can’t buy friends, altho you do get a better class of enemies.

(10) Lefty Gomez: I’m throwing as hard as I used to, the ball just doesn’t go as fast…

(11) Hobbies come and pastimes go…but scratching a dog never gets old…

(12) Why don’t golfers putt “croquet-style”? Because it was made illegal,
considered an unfair advantage, when Sam Snead took it up late in his
career…altho currently, C.J. Choi is coming dangerously close…

(13) …not for nothing, but a similar fate may befall “long” putters…belly
putters and “broomsticks” that reach to your chest…watch this space…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

At a recent “white pride” concert in Germany, attendees were given free T-shirts on the way out…when washed, they revealed a different message: If this T-shirt can [change], so can you. For reference, I’ve circled the disappearing skull…

Yesterday’s mug shot was from 1961, a 21-year old Al Pacino…arrested in NYC for carrying a concealed weapon…spent several days in the hoosegow, unable to make bail. Actually, the pistol was in the trunk of a car…he and the 2 other occupants said they were only actors, and were eventually released. It’s also reported that he was friendly and cooperative during the whole deal…and it was an awful long time ago…

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