Stolf’s Blog 6/14/2011

It’s certainly not the “sexiest” baseball stat alive, but I noticed that in the American League, in doubles, 4 of the top 8 players are Red Sox…including A-Gon leading the league with 22 and Ellsbury 2nd with 21…Papi and Youkilis have 18. Not surprisingly, the Sox lead the majors with 142 doubles…Cards are 2nd with 131.

Sox are 2nd in the majors with 77 homers, Yankees already have 95…altho they have only 99 doubles. Altho it can happen with an individual player, it seems crazy to imagine a team finishing the season with more homers than doubles…sometimes they have twice as many doubles as homers. Altho checking just the 2000’s, the 2004 Dodgers had 203 homers and just 226 doubles, but that looks very unusual…

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1) »  »  » Nature abhors a vacuum…as do I an empty notebook… «  «  «

(2) Coffee used to give Cool Daddy’s wife a pain in her right eye…
her doctor recommended taking the spoon out of the cup…

(3) It seems the more you have, the more you have to complain about…

(4) There are grown adults who still call it the Leaning Tower of Pizza. Do you?

(5) Frank Lloyd Wright opined that the greatest temptation
for an expert is to stop thinking and just be an expert…

(6) The Ferruginous Owl is the smallest owl, a fierce desert dweller, also called
the Pygmy or Elf Owl…”ferruginous” means reddish-brown or rust-colored…

(7) Virginia Woolf: Women possess the magic and delicious
power to reflect the figure of a man at twice its natural size…

(8) Spin 101: One side calls it “an improvement to X”…
the other side calls it “the end of X as we know it”…and so it goes…

(9) Henny Youngman once made a killing in the stock market…he shot his broker.

(10)  Sad but true: Trouble meets us at the cradle and leaves us at the tomb.

(11) Prince Philip said of the Media: You must sometimes
stretch out your neck, but not actually hand them the axe.

(12) Sign of the times: a kid shooting hoops
in his driveway while talking on his cell-phone…

(13) Someone you never heard of said: It’s true around the
world…nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

In some European countries, you cannot name your child just anything…the government has the final say…unlike here, of course…

Stolf’s Blog 6/13/2011

Not to get too philosophical on your head, but the word “nothing” has 2 different meanings: (1) A lack of or absence of something, or everything, and (2) of all things, none of them. These may seem to be the same thing, but they aren’t…and confusing them results in this classic argument:

Nothing is better than complete happiness.
A ham sandwich is better than nothing.
Therefore a ham sandwich is better than complete happiness.

Such outlined reasoning is called a syllogism, and this one, in it’s basic form, is completely valid:

A is better than B.
C is better than A.
Therefore C is better than B.

The trick is that the meaning of “nothing” changes…the A in the first line is not the same as the A in the 2nd line. You can see that clearly if the “nothings” are spelled out:

Of all things, none of them is better than complete happiness.
A ham sandwich is better than the absence of everything.
Therefore a ham sandwich is better than complete happiness.

To be consistent, the second line should read:

A ham sandwich is better than, of all things, none of them.

But this is of course false, making the conclusion false, hence the joke. Follow? Not for nothing…but check (6) and notice how definition (1) makes the statement false, but (2) makes it true…or at least that’s the idea being expressed.

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1) Some people are afraid of heights…but who’s afraid of widths?

(2) You Might Be a Baby Boomer If: You remember when there was only one fat kid.
(Don’t mean to offend anyone, but it was what it was, nez pah?)

(3) The perfect definition of a stuck-up person: There but for the grace of God goes God.

(4) The trouble with troubles is they’re completely unabashed at repeating themselves.

(5) My sense of humor has certainly evolved over time..when I was
a callow yout’, I would be in stitches over a joke whose punch line was
“If the coo shits, wear it”…duh and double duh…

(6) »  »  »  »   Nothing explains everything.   «  «  «  «

(7) Mark Twain said: Courage is the mastery of fear, not the absence of it.

(8) …he also advised: Buy land…they’re not making it anymore…

(9) Lord Talleyrand divided the world into 2 groups: the shearers and the shorn…

(10)  ΩΩΩΩΩΩ Whoopee! Lucky horseshoes…I’m just sayin’… ΩΩΩΩΩΩ

(11) Cool Daddy’s wife took a book to the beach…
and finished it in 3 days…plus half a box of crayons…

(12) When something has a sign on it that says “Do Not Take,”
doesn’t that mean you can take the thing, but leave the sign?

(13) Which is more dangerous: a criminal’s gun or a lawyer’s briefcase?

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Trousers!!!!!!!!! Also, comparing internet image with scan from newspaper.

Stolf’s Blog 6/12/2011

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) The world’s a poorer place without Frank Zappa…I’m just sayin’…

(2) So many words have been completely stripped of all meaning by
advertising…like the word “special” means “it exists,” as opposed to not.

(3) A estate planner is someone whose job
it is to rescue you from your own money…

(4) > > > The smaller the intellect, the bigger the words… < < <

 (5) Good writing tip: Always count your paranetheses (or you’ll be sorry.))))

 (6) Every so slightly ironic: of the thing that killed you,
they say at your funeral: It was his whole life…

(7) In budgetary matters, politicians generally have 2 sets of figures:
one to fool the public, and another to fool themselves…

(8)  >> >>  A bore is only boring if you’re paying attention.  << <<

(9) Henry Kissinger: An expert is someone who
can articulate what those in power want to hear…

(10) Recent study find that 2 paranoids can indeed cancel
each other out. (Whereas 3 will form an infinite loop…)

(11) Sen. Howard Baker: Let them ask their question, and you answer yours.

(12) Chinese saying: May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future.

(13) I grew up in a tough neighborhood…our school’s dropout rate
was so low because we were all afraid to leave the building…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Look carefully…does that say W.C. Fields Forever…?

Stolf’s Blog 6/11/2011

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1) You Might Be a Baby Boomer If…you take bills out of your wallet,
guessing how much a small group of items will cost, and it costs double.

(2) …and sad to say, this is starting to work for younger people too,,,

(3) Ignorance is what gets you in…shame is what keeps you from getting out.

(4) …but also: Nothing is more cruel than reason when it’s not on our side…

(4) A politician are like a person trying to get to sleep…
tossing from one side to another to get more comfortable…

(6) …but paraphrasing Lester Pearson…Politicians use dull people as blunt objects.

(7) Many arguments are over something neither party really wants.

(8) To me, the future is an idea whose time has not yet come…

(9) …which is to say, everything in its time…including the uture-fay…

(10) Goethe said: Fools and wise folks are harmless…
it’s the half-fools and the half-wise that are dangerous…

(11) Cool Daddy’s wife sued her boss for both age
and sex descrimination…he said she was too old for it!

(12) > > If history teaches us one thing, it’s not to rely on it. < <

(13) It was once a well know fact that when you get old,
complaining about young people helps your circulation…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Whuzzis? See today’s Deep Fried Hoodsie Cups (link under Blogroll) to find out.

Stolf’s Blog 6/10/2011

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) They say a male reaches his sexual peak
at age 18…now I remember…I slept thru mine…

(2) Cool Daddy sells used furniture on the side…
his wife says: Stop selling our furniture!!!

(3) Writing is one of the few things that gets harder the better you are at it.

(4) Oscar Wilde: Some people cause happiness
wherever they go…others, whenever they go…

(5) …he also said: I dislike arguments, especially if they’re convincing.

(6) I have a tough time finding clothes that fit…I’m an Extra Medium…

(7) You can’t judge a book by its cover…unless you
prefer buying boks with attractive covers…

(8) Probably my most embarressing moment came as a child
when I peed in my pants…and I wasn’t wearing them at the time.

(9) >> >> >> Love comes before understanding… << << <<

(10) The sign said 24 HOUR BANKING…I wondered who
has the time?…turns out the guy in front of me in line did…

 (11) Women’s inuition is solely the result of men’s transparency…

(12) > > You can’t have everything…where would you put it? < <

(13) I’d worship the ground she walked on…
if only she frequented better neighborhoods…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Stolf’s Blog 6/9/2011

Did I ever tell you about the time I met this girl at a bar…she was very depressed. I told her that sometimes it’s good to talk your troubles over with a total stranger. She said OK…turns out she’s seeing a shrink 3 times a week, but she isn’t making any progress. Her problem is she’s a nymphomaniac, with a thing for Jewish cowboys. I said: Now don’t you feel better, getting that off your chest? By the way, I’m Tex Goldberg…

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1) My goal is to be a Living Legend…posthumously, if I have to.

(2) Bertrand Russell: The trouble with the world is the
stupid are cocksure, and the intelligent are full of doubt.

(3) Steven Wright has a decaffeinated coffee table…
at least it doesn’t keep him up at night…

(4) At the factory, they accidentally installed a kaleidoscope instead
of a periscrope…every time the sub went out, they were surrounded…

(5) A true politician denies stuff he didn’t say, just to be on the safe side…

(6) Cop told her the speed limit was 50 miles an hour…
She said: I know, but I’ve only been out 20 minutes…

(7) Love: The Quest…Marriage: The Conquest…Divorce: The Inquest…

(8) Dean Rusk: One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears.

(9) New restaurant opened called “Deju Vu”… all the waiters look familiar…

(10) Cool Daddy is every inch a gentleman…well, every other inch.

(11) She read Slaughterhouse 5…liked it better than the first 4…

(12) DNA exsits everywhere in the universe,
in every galaxy…OK, they spell it different…

(13) Robert Morley: What have I done to achieve longevity?
I tried to remember not to wear my hearing aid in the bath…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Customized cars back in the day really did have those tall fins, like Greased Lightning…

Stolf’s Blog 6/8/2011

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) How long will I be gone? The whole time, I think…

(2) No matter what the subject, there are always people
who will take great pride in knowing nothing about it…

(3) Steven Wright went to a general store, to buy nohting specific.

(4) Leaven the dough of love with the yeast of patience…or you’re toast!

(5) Modesty is the art of enhancing your good
qualities by pretending you’re not aware of them.

(6) You can only be perfect by not tryng for the hard ones…

(7) At the job interview, the guy asked what my perfect
job would be…I said: Being paid insanely well for doing
next to nothing…and he said: Sorry, I was here first…

(8) Alfred Hitchcock: My movies are life with the dull parts cut out.

(9) Tradition is a clock that tells what time it used to be…

(10) >> >> Cool Daddy was an only child…eventually! << <<

(11) Lost episode of Star Trek…
Scotty rewires the transporter for liposuction.

(12) Did you know, if you put instant rice in a
microwave…it goes back in time…uh-HUH…

(13) Bob Hope remarked: I love going
to Washington, if only to be near my money.

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Ever try scanning underwater? Just hold your breath…

Stolf’s Blog 6/7/2011

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1) Cool Daddy said once this deal is wrapped up, he won’t
have to worry about money…he’ll have to worry about prison…

(2) Groucho said: TV is very educational…every time
someone turns it on, I go in another room and read a book.

(3) I was taking a walk when I was passed by a jogger…
I thought: If I could go that fast, all I’d need was a place to go…

(4) Believe it or else, a robin is techinically a thrush…as is a bluebird.

(5) Brother-in-law Ray said he got where he is
today by hard work…and I had to wonder: whose?

(6) >>>>> D-I-V-O-R-C-E…the gift you give yourself… <<<<<

(7) You’ve heard of a “pissing contest”…it’s actually to see who
can piss furthest into the wind…they even have mixed doubles…

(8) Mark Twain: Wrinkles only indicate where the smiles were.

(9) You Might Be a Baby Boomer If…a tune from
1968 is stuck in your head…and it’s just as well,
since the oldies stations won’t play it anymore*…

*see today’s DFHC, link at right under Blogroll…

(10) James Russell Lowell: Democracy gives
every man the right to be his own oppressor…

(11) Modern life…kid shooting hoops while talking on his cell.

(12) Gray is an under-appreciated color…
very dark gray is black..very light gray is white.

(13) Our local golf course is so old,
the water hazard is now a golf ball hazard.

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Next to a good book, there’s nothing better to, um, Read than german potato salad…sez me…

Stolf’s Blog 6/6/2011

B*A*K*E*R*S  D*O*Z*E*N

(1) What you say about others tells more about yourself.

(2) Cool Daddy once broke his arm trying
to fold a bed…it wasn’t the kind that folds…

(3) A thing can be wrong in one of 2 ways:
We don’t agree with it…or we don’t understand it.

(4) Playwright Neil Simon described
Los Angeles as paradise with a lobotomy.

(5) Cool Daddy’s wife had a disagreement at the roulette table…
it has always been her belief that 22 was sort of an odd number…

(6) I’ve had amnesia more times than I can remember!

(7) A pessimist is someone who, when reading
classified ads, starts with the Help Not Wanted…

(8) There’s a very fine line between
average intelligence and average igornance.

(9) The trouble is…the 7th commandment says: Thou
shalt not commit adultery…but it doesn’t say when…

(10) Wit consists simply of noticing the ways in which things
that are the same differ…and how things that differ are the same.

(11) An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
worse comes to worse, throw it at him…

(12) Succeeding in politics is like trying to wash the dirt off mud.

(13) The trouble with losing $50 is that $50
sounds like a fair reward for whoever finds it…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Leftovers from Easter…we’ve come a long way, haven’t we? A basketball in your Easter Basket. And the one in the middle, I don’t see a basket, do you? Could that be the difference between “pre-filled” and “pre-made”? “Filled” implies a basket…”made” is sort of like “basket-ready”? Sheesh…

Stolf’s Blog 6/5/2011

 

B*A*K*E*R*S   D*O*Z*E*N

(1) It has been said that wit, no matter how
good-natured, needs a barb, or it won’t stick.

(2) He told his blind date: I’ll be the one driving the
Mercedes, wearing a Rolex…she never showed…
when he got home, his place had been robbed…

(3) We have a compact with our government,…
we say whatever we like…and they do whatever they like.

(4) It was fairly unusual…a pirate with a wooden leg & a real foot.

(5) Ronald Reagan said: Republicans think every day
is July 4…Democrats think every day is April 15th…

(6) …he also noted: Everyone who’s
in favor of abortion has already been born.

(7) I went to a verrrrrrry small school…the quad only had 3 sides…

(8) I could never get my pickup lines right…
I’d say like: Do you live around here often?…

(9)  »  »  Mario Puzo wrote: Free competition is wasteful.  «  «

(10) The lawyers are still trying to sort it out…turns out
Disney owns Ted Turner…and Ted Turner owns Disney.

(11) > > > > UNITY is not the same as UNIFORMITY… < < < <

(12) As Cool Daddy always says: Lou Gehrig
died of Lou Gehrig’s disease…what are the odds?

(13) The only trouble with owning an ant farm is
you get eye strain from the artificial insemination…

POUTINE-ON-A-STICK

Not for nothing, but you never noticed what choice gams Mary Poppins had…well, I did, but that’s just me…